On Fear
Let me tell you something. Since I left home to go to college, I have been afraid of failure. So much so, that I have avoided doing things in my life that were worth doing. Friends and family say “you are doing great, look at all you’ve accomplished.” In many ways, they are right. Because I was not born into wealth, I accept that I must work and maintain employment to pay my bills and support my life here in New York. And, as I’m sure many of you understand, it is extremely difficult to work a day job (or two day jobs) and continue to have the energy to pursue your creative goals outside of your work commitments. For the past few years, I have approached these aspirations as if they were impossible. I have ignored them and pursued other things. I have convinced myself that, due to my avoidance, I must not be serious about the creative goals. I regret this deeply.
For the past few days I’ve been reading the Steve Jobs biography by Walter Issacson and it’s no surprise that these feelings of regret and hopelessness have been exacerbated by the story of Jobs, who relentlessly pursued his goals with an almost fascist perfectionism, accomplished so much, and died too soon at the age of 56. I see many of my friends struggling with the same listlessness I’ve experienced in the past five years. Many of them are returning to graduate school, frustrated with the lack of career opportunities or creative options, and hoping that more education might be the answer to their anxieties. I have no doubt that for some people this may be the solution. Who knows, it could be a good solution for me as well. But is it really the answer?
We all recognize that life is short, but I’m not sure that any person actually realizes how short it is until we are given a due-date and by then it’s too late. For some reason, I have been acting as if my time has run out. I have made endless excuses about why I haven’t been more aggressive about my goals. They are the very same goals I had as a child of five. They have never really changed. The only difference is, I have avoided them. I have put them in a box and thrown away the key in hopes that I might forget them, that I might grow accustomed to this complacency, and resign myself to a life of regret.
This is a fairly personal post. If you don’t know me well, you might think, why is Jessica sharing this on Tumblr? Well, I apologize if you feel you’ve been a victim of oversharing, but it’s something that’s been on my mind now for several years, and I needed to write it out to remind myself that the only person holding me back from living the life I want to live is myself.
2012 is upon us. I don’t know about you, but I’m so sick and tired of letting fear get the best of me. What is life for, except pursuing whatever you are most passionate about? Even if there are roadblocks, isn’t the whole point to make the best effort you possibly can? You might fail, but at the end, you can look at yourself in the mirror and say, I tried. That knowledge, I think, is essential to happiness.
